I have come to realize in the last few weeks that I have spent 25 years battling my body. Since about the time I Was 10 I have worried about my weight, and dieted and than binged, and than dieted and than binged. I have avoided pictures, I have avoided carbs, I have avoided calories, I have avoided life. And I have been asking myself, “why?!” Was I really any happier at my thinnest weight than I am now? And did all those diets do me any good, since I always go right back up to the same size with in a couple of years anyways? Have those times of restrictions and limitations done anything for my long term happiness? Does my chubbiness in reality make my life any worse, or is it just the obsession with it that is hindering my joy? I have done more damage to my health and my body with my extreme changes and rapid weight loses and gain, than any health consequences from the extra pounds I am hauling around.
I think this idea has been forming in my head and heart for a while I have just been scared to truly let go. I have been working on accepting my body and living life without restraint. Which is a long, slow and hard process for someone who has had crippling insecurities her whole life. I have started watching the thin and beautiful people I have always idolized in a more objective way. Are they truly any happier than I am? DO they really have anything I don’t have? Are any of them even more confident than me? It has made me realize that there are so many things I care about more than being thin. I want to be happy, I want to be peaceful, I want to enjoy cooking for my husband without resentment over his lack of restrictions. I want to travel and attend celebrations without worrying about if I am cheating, or if they will have options to help me stick to my plan. I want to waste less energy restricting intake and more energy on what I am giving out to those around me. I want to waste less time counting calories and more time counting blessings.
So my friends, this is my official announcement, I am intentionally jumping the diet bandwagon, with no plans to ever climb aboard again. I will no longer be talking carbs, and calories and counting. I will no longer be discussing flaws in my body or yours, or discussing if I have lost weight. I am throwing out the scale, and throwing out the expectations me and this diet culture have put on my body and my lifestyle. And both me and my husband couldn’t be happier! I am researching intuitive eating and I have an appointment with a counselor who specializes in it in a couple of weeks. Maybe I will lose weight eating this way, maybe I won’t and I honestly don’t care. All I really want to lose is this obsession, this constant feeling of failure and not being enough. I don’t want to focus on what I can lose instead I want to focus on all there is to gain from swimming against the tide. I know some of you will roll you eyes over this, and some of you might be disappointed I won’t be doing diet challenges or talking nutrition info any more. But that just means I have time for more important challenges like kindness challenges, and talking about the things that truly matter, like faith, family and life.
If you see me eating a donut, know I am doing it with joy, not guilt and shame. If you see me with a little more chubs than I have had in the past, know that I am ok with it, and there is no reason you shouldn’t be! And if you see me lose weight, please don’t tell me, “your looking so great!” insinuating that I looked horrible before. Because even if I do happen to drop some weight in restoring my relationship with food, I refuse to think that I am a better person because of that. I refuse to think that it makes me happier, or adds value to my life. I refuse to let the number on the scale or on my clothing define me, for better or worse.