I feel like the last couple years I have gotten a few unexpected and very undesired lessons in dealing with sick children. So I figure I will pass on the knowledge for those of you who also find yourself unwilling students, facing a pop quiz. So for your prep, here is what to expect when your kids get the stomach flu.
1. Your child will pick the most unfortunate time to throw up for the first time. Like burger king playland, totally with out warning, and totally everywhere. You will never see a play area clear out quite so quickly as when a child vomits.
2. You will do ALOT of laundry, and if you live in an apartment with no laundry facilities, this will get very annoying and expensive. 3 rolls of quarters later and all you have to show for it is a giant mountain of unfolded laundry, that you can’t get time nor energy to put away. And of course your inlaws will wander upstairs and walk right through that giant pile, and you will want to die a little.
3. You will be very jealous of your husband who “gets” to go to work. It is not very often you feel envious as he heads out to work graveyard shift out in the pouring rain and howling wind. But, this week, that sounds like a luxury vacation compared to another night on vomit patrol.
4. Your poor husband will be your only social outlet for days and days. He will probably get sick of you whining about various bodily malfunctions and get tired of your endless questions about what the world outside is like.
5.You will want to shower about 15 times a day to cleanse yourself from the bodily fluids of multiple children that are coating your body, like a seal washed up on the beach after an oil spill. But you will not be able to because said children can’t be left alone for more than 30 seconds without crying for mom.
6. You will be certain that you are going to join the frequent upchuck club at any moment. For this reason you will wonder how everything you eat will taste coming back up. However this will not stop you from consuming massive amounts of sugar and caffeine to try to survive the sleep deprivation.
7. You will finally get total cabin fever and escape to somewhere like goodwill to shop for a bit. And while you are there your four year old will probably suddenly catch the bug and crap herself, and you will probably have forgotten your wipes in the van.
8. When it is all said and done you will probably seriously contemplate the pros and cons of burning the place down instead of trying to sanitize it. Till you remember you live in an apartment and have no renters insurance. Than you will cry a little, strap on your rubber gloves, and douse the place in lysol, while also covering it in prayer. Begging God to please, please let this be the last stomach bug for a good long while.