To my earlier self - Chocolate Glazed Life

To my earlier self

 

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To my younger and much more insecure self,

There are so many things that I would love to tell you, that I want you to understand. So many things that I wish you could learn from reading some words on pages instead of having to live them for yourself. I picture you in my mind always worrying, worrying what someone will think about you, worrying you said the wrong thing, or laughed too loud. Thinking you most certainly annoy everyone around you and that no guy will ever find you attractive. I watch you at the water park saying “I don’t feel like swimming” when really you don’t want to walk around in a swim suit and have everyone look at you. I hear your thoughts that everyone is more funny, attractive and better liked than you and that you have nothing special to offer to anyone. Do you see the theme? You. You. You. I guarantee that no one thinks about you as much as you do. No one critiques your body, or your personality as much as you. You are truly your harshest critic.

You don’t see your value and so you slap a clearance sticker on your heart. You allow people to buy you for the cheapest price. A guy tells you you are beautiful, so in exchange you trade him a small chunk of your heart. He spends a little time with you, pampering you, so you give him a little more. And even when he treats you bad and even when you know deep down you don’t want any part of him, you still keep letting him buy your heart and your affections. Because surely you don’t have any right to demand a higher price. I just wish I could make you see, I wish you could feel what it feels like to have a man who truly loves you and  puts your happiness and well being first. I wish you could feel the security you feel in a marriage to a man like that. Because if you knew what that was like, to be bought for the highest possible price, you would never settle for a bargain hunter again. When you know how great it is to have your heart in the possession of a man who gave you his whole world in exchange , you will not believe that you ever cheapened yourself.

And not only are you letting this insecurity rob your heart and add baggage to your future marriage, you are letting it stop you from living life. How many times have you missed out on something because you were worried about how you would look doing it? Or what people would think about you? Think of how many rafting trips, water parks, group games, or hours of laying out with friends you have missed out on. Or how many chances for prayer and support from a friend who loves you? And for what? To sit in your corner, with your hoodie on feeling sorry for yourself. Well look around girl, and you will see plenty of woman with imperfections. Woman who don’t have the perfect body, or the most amazing voice. Who are not perfect at what they are doing but they are doing it anyways and they are loving it!  And look at the people with them. They are not judging them or mocking them, they are having fun along side them.

So please, younger Carrie, take the hoodie off! Put on your swimsuit and go to the water park! Play trust with your friends, and laugh loud if you want to. Sing when you want to sing and dance when you want to dance. Spend time with people who build up you and your faith and allow them to have the privilege of getting to know the real you. And most of all stop! Just Stop! No more ripping yourself apart and tearing yourself down at every chance. No more allowing a man, or some shallow girl’s opinion define you.  Stop worrying and start living, cause there is a whole world out there if you can just step outside of yourself for one minute. And let me please never ever see you hiding in the corner with a bright red clearance sticker on your mind, heart or body again!

 

2 Comments

  1. I identify with this so much. I am so much better with Jarret's love (and what you write about your husband is SO beautifully put) but insecurity lingers a little. But not anywhere as badly as in my past! Weird though. I'd never have known you felt like this.

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